9:59 pm PST: Let’s do this bitch.

10:02 pm: The wedding starts at 3:00 am PST, FWIW. I’m anticipating the need to pregame this pretty heavily.

10:21 pm: Time for my pre-royal-wedding exercise. To negate most of the pre-royal-wedding empty calories I’ll be imbibing.

10:29 pm: I’m watching My Bride is a Mermaid while I exercise, these days, so I’m learning to swear like pissed-off anime yakuza. I’ll be referring to Harry as fappy yarou this evening.

10:30 pm: Incidentally, I first referred to Fappy Yarou as “Henry.” That’s how much I pay attention to the British royal family.

12:42 am: Exercise and shower finished. I’ve just realized that going into this dehydrated is a poor decision on my part.

1:02 am: I was all set to make a snide comment about Brian Williams, but then I discovered the people who are actually covering this wedding. Barbara Walters? Time to crack my first beer; it’s going to be a long, long night.

1:13 am: Craig Ferguson is interviewing Magnum P.I. I am already tempted to stray.

1:20 am: Technical difficulties: my laptop isn’t connecting to the network. Need to drink: rising.

1:28 am: Beer #1 is a Widmer W’11 KGB Russian Imperial Stout. It’s a bit darker than I like (keep in mind that I’m a super-light drinker), but my irritation towards my laptop is making it go down easier.

1:29 am: Oh God, they’re breaking out the baby videos.

1:31 am: Apparently hat size is the British woman’s dick measuring contest.

1:34 am: In before “it’s not the size of the hat, it’s how you wear it.”

1:35 am: Mr. Bean looks vaguely constipated.

1:36 am: This woman is wearing a blue vagina on her head.

1:49 am: Oh man, I hope when I get married that people compare it against my parents’ wedding!

1:52 am: Let’s next talk to the woman who washed Prince William’s bedsheets when he was a child!

1:57 am: The Prime Minister of Australia is wearing her hat at a ludicrously jaunty angle. Imagine it on the side of her head, and then rotate it down a few more degrees.

2:03 am: Marin, in reaction to a woman wearing a fuckton of bling: damn, how many wars was she in?!

2:06 am: Prime Minister Cameron’s wife looks quite nice for not wearing a Fabulous Hat.

2:11 am: Prince William has emerged! USA! USA! USA!

2:19 am: Sorry, William, you just don’t have that much hair to rearrange.

2:24 am: Fappy Yarou looks one dominatrix away from bondage, courtesy of all the cords he’s sporting.

2:27 am: Marin: The king of Tonga looks like a Bond villain.

2:42 am: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE THIS MANY PRINCESSES

2:44 am: Man, Charles is looking old.

2:49 am: The Queen is still pretty darn cool.

3:01 am: In what world is a six-foot train “short”?

3:01 am: NEWS FLASH: Kate is not wearing a Fabulous Hat.

3:05 am: Guys, I know I’ve only been to a few weddings, but you’re supposed to stand for the bride, not the groom!

3:06 am: Looks like Kate is nipping out.

3:09 am: Fappy Yarou looks twice as nervous as William at the altar.

3:12 am: Barry and I sing better than these honored guests. Manalive.

3:14 am: Kate looks a bit haggard. I wonder if she stayed up until 4:00 am last night finishing The Lucifer and Biscuit Hammer, like I did.

3:17 am: “William Arthur Phillip Louie”? How does anyone say that with a straight face?

3:22 am: A non-scientific survey of people watching the wedding says that there are only females everywhere except London.

3:22 am: Really not trying to be harsh, but the brides in every wedding I’ve attended have all looked more beautiful than Kate does here.

3:22 am: Seems weird to have Kate’s bro talking with his back is to the newlywed couple.

3:29 am: Castrating the entire boys’ choir for this wedding is a bit harsh. “You must sacrifice your balls for your country!”

3:30 am: At my goddamn wedding I’m hiring a fucking hot choir, not these pansy boys. Phat beats will also be required.

3:36 am: haha, the Queen fell asleep! (It’s OK; I’d fall asleep too if I had to listen to this guy in person.)

3:38 am: blah blah promise blah peril blah blah. I’m taking notes for everything I don’t want at my wedding.

3:39 am: William is twiddling his fingers, this thing is dragging on so long.

3:41 am: And now more castrated boy choir. I think I’d have substituted a conga line here. Maybe people doing belly shots.

3:44 am: Elton John’s in the audience. Can’t we give him a piano and have him save this thing?

3:46 am: Just spotted Wheelchair-kun and Wheelchair-baachan in the audience. Wheelchair-chan is still my favorite.

3:53 am: FROM EVERY MOUNTAINSIDE LET FREEDOM RING

3:54 am: I hope the garter toss comes next!

4:02 am: The wedding is pretty much over. On the downside, I am horribly short sleep. On the upside, I now know where Lady Gaga gets her hat ideas from.

4:06 am: Wait, they have their fucking kiss—their kiss on the balcony—scheduled down to the minute? The monarchy and I would get along for about five seconds before we murdered each other.

4:20 am: Marin: haha Harry’s stuck in the little kids’ carriage.

4:38 am: Sweet Jeebus, is it going to be another hour before the scheduled balcony kiss?

4:39 am: What I wouldn’t do for a zombie outbreak right now.

4:43 am: This Thor commercial is the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in the last hour.

5:32 am: William & Kate’s 20-nanosecond kiss was totally hot J/K, I think I’ve seen fat men licking their ice cream more passionately.

5:33 am: And it’s time to pass out. My brain beat my body to that by about five hours.