It has come to my attention that my esteemed colleague and frequent political nemesis, Brian, has thrown down his gauntlet in my general direction. At first I was going to turn the other cheek, as I really ought to, but then I decided that, in the grand scheme of things, it would be better if I put Brian back in his proper place.

Dear Meddler Brian:

I am insulted by the condescending and demeaning tone of your letter. I am an equal member of society and do not require lecturing from You.

I want to remind you of something you said just ten days ago: “Most of the time I spent flying around in my chair, which travelled quickly and hovered just inches above the ground. And the town was flooded out in one spot, so I was hovering inches above the floodwaters. Excitement and danger! I often have dreams where I can fly, but it’s difficult to stay up in the air. It requires supreme concentration, body positioning, and luck.”

Sir, what this person has so desperately lacked is consistent concentration and luck from your office. You have said for months that we cannot build trust with women by insisting on ignoring them, yet you and your minions have insisted on extortion techniques that leave no other choice but to distract me further.

It is time to move forward. I did not take the step that I did today lightly, but did so because it has become clear that meddling persons in Oregon and Iowa will not agree to leave me be unless leaving me be increases my activity level to support—what would be in these difficult social times—irresponsible levels of female interaction.

Your intransigence in all negotiations and your unwillingness to agree to lower, and more reasonable gift prerequisites have not helped the situation. As you have suggested several times in our recent conversations, I will now move my own agenda.

…

Respectfully,

Brent

Last Remaining Known Pillar Preventing Armageddon