Live-blogging the royal coronation

12:16 am: Per BritBox, we are a mere 15 minutes away from the start of the coronation of Chaz #3.

12:41 am: The people in the stands look like they’re dressed for a sporting event.

12:42 am: This reporter is wearing some bizarre modern (“short”) twist on a hoop skirt.

12:43 am: This next reporter is wearing the brightest green shirt and loudest yellow coat I have ever seen. Glad Brazil has shown up to pay their respects to their new king.

1:01 am: I hope the eunuch choir brings the heat this time.

1:06 am: Even odds on if this guy is hardcore choir-ing, or trying to open every one of his orifaces as hard as he possibly can.


1:12 am: Good news everyone, the missing old man has been found! He’s now busy waving to well-wishers.

1:15 am: Charles and Camilla are en route!

1:16 am: Charles is taking his first scheduled pit stop, having travelled from Clarence House to Buckingham Palace. Just so the distance traveled is clear, the royal rabbi covered this distance on foot.

1:23 am: Toy soldiers have taken off from the palace, marching to the beat of a drum and a dollar’s worth of penny whistles. STEP BY STEP HEART TO HEART LEFT RIGHT LEFT

1:25 am: The crowd is not eating this up. Wowza.

1:26 am: It must be embarrassing to wear a starter Navy helmet (knob on top) instead of the deadly real deal.

1:28 am: Who’s the clown in front of the royal guard dressed in bright yellow and waving around a scepter? This guy’s got to be the British Kefka, right?

1:30 am: The increased cost of living seems most apparent in the royal guard not having enough chinstrap for any of their hats.

1:31 am: The royal marines appear to have taken a wrong turn and are reversing course. How embarrassing!

1:32 am: It has started raining like a motherfucker; the crowd has deployed ponchos. “The wet weather plan is to get wet,” per the color commentary. Thanks, color commentary.

1:36 am: The royal delegate to Epstein Island has arrived. I wonder if this place has a catacombs where his seat is reserved.

1:40 am: Jill Biden has attempted to blend in with the locals by deploying a large bow on top of her head, in lieu of a fabulous hat. Was she successful? …no.

1:43 am: Those tyrannical British bastards! THE UNITED STATES WILL NOT SIT BEHIND SLOVAKIA’S +1!

1:46 am: They’re trying really hard to play up Charles: he’s actually a very accomplished musician! He served in various parts of the military! He’s a Pokemon Master!

1:49 am: This singer looks like she’s emerging from a neon yellow chrysalis. Her dress is straight out of Kyrsten Sinema’s closet. Ugh.

1:52 am: The Surrender Monkey and his tutor have arrived. The commentary just called France the UK’s most important ally, and fuck those guys.

1:53 am: Respect (respect big respect) to the musician taking a huge bong hit mid-song.

1:54 am: I’ve never seen a man with a train before. He’s wearing the hell out of it.

1:56 am: The Royal Jockeys have arrived. It should be a great race today.

1:57 am: It still weirds me out that the anchors have set up an outdoor stage with frickin’ couches in the Buckingham Palace Mall.

2:00 am: Currently playing: Fantasia on Greensleeves. …and now Big Ben rings ominously.

2:04 am: What happened to Britain’s fabulous hat game in the last twelve years? This is just sad.

2:05 am: Kinda jealous of these guys who tie their binky around their neck and call it a cape.

2:07 am: Blue and yellow carpet for Charles and Camilla are a nice little Slava Ukraini nod, or else cause for firing their designer.

2:11 am: I swear I’m not drinking, but this horseman is wielding a sword and has a goddamn mop for a head.

2:14 am: Charles looks like he’s wearing his grandmother’s favorite sweater.

2:16 am: Boris’ hair is as disheveled as ever, and he’s now walking like he’ll become the Penguin.

2:17 am: Liz Truss has now attended this coronation for longer than she served as Prime Minister.

2:21 am: Dead silence as Charles’ carriage departs Buckingham Palace. It’s actually kind of eerie.

2:23 am: FROM EVERY MOUNTAINSIDE LET FREEDOM RING (yes i know i made this joke back in 2011 as well tyvm)

2:26 am: A car seems much more practical than this horse and carriage thing.

2:28 am: One guy lost his horse and is walking (!).

2:28 am: Holy smokes, look at all that horse shit! 250 horses are serious business!

2:28 am: Yes, this means that guy is walking through a minefield of horse shit. He… didn’t make it.

2:35 am: “Camilla, do you think this carriage is too much?” “No, let’s add more gold!”

2:36 am: Do they have any sort of airflow in that little box? That’s gotta be a gilded oven. A humid gilded oven.

2:39 am: It’s Harry! And Eugenie! And BEA-TA-RICHE! WHY HAVE YOU LEFT ME

2:44 am: Harry transplanted hair from the top of his head to his face. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton; let’s see if it pays off for him.

2:49 am: The royal carriage overshot its stop and had to back up. (Horses! Backing up!) You don’t need to feel so bad about your Densha de Go performances now, Andy.

2:50 am: Harry is here, but William and Kate are still MIA. Who’s the good son now, Dad?!!

2:53 am: The procession has begun, with what appears to be Gryffindor leading the way.

2:55 am: This organ music is befitting of a funeral.

2:56 am: A purple hat is making its way down the aisle!

2:57 am: “That lady has a bitch-ass sword! Look at that bitch-ass sword!”

2:58 am: If I ever become king of anything, you all better give me something better than a rod and orb.


3:04 am: No hot pink seats either, should I become king of anything. Pretty much do the opposite of everything they’re doing here, okay?

3:05 am: As part of truly ascending to the throne, Charles must now determine which purple hat is the true purple hat.

3:07 am: Wrap this thing up already, archbishop; it’s starting to drag. Marry Charles and the purple hat, and let people move on to the open bar.

3:09 am: I don’t speak Welsh, so I assume this guy is singing the Welsh version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

3:10 am: “A lady of the Order of the Thistle”? I didn’t realize this was Redwall.

3:11 am: They keep saying “King Charles, your undoubted king.” This whole thing reeks.

3:12 am: “The Order of the Garter”? They’re pulling my leg now, right?

3:16 am: Charles obviously didn’t do his homework and now has to read his responses. Still, must be nice to have a guy whose sole job is to hold a cheatsheet and point out where the answers are.

3:20 am: Charles may openly pray for peace, but that table full of swords in front of him says otherwise.

3:20 am: Seriously, what is up with all those swords???


3:26 am: please

3:26 am: I just realized that there are 24 more minutes before the hat and Charles meet. I don’t think I can make this.

3:27 am: This Prime Minister’s lisp is something else.

3:29 am: “This hallelujah is in two parts,” says the commentator. My despair level rises.

3:29 am: The upside downside of not drinking through this is that I haven’t had to visit the restroom anywhere near as often.

3:33 am: !!! The second Alleluia (adopting the spelling used on-screen) is actually good! It’s been a glass of water in hell.

3:38 am: still in hell. out of water.

3:41 am: i wonder what’s new on mastodon

3:43 am: I really need Ultros and Setzer to interrupt this opera choir scene.

3:45 am: Privacy screens being erected! Charles is about to get his prostate exam live on state TV! What a score for such an exam!

3:48 am: The commentator telling us what is being said privately to Charles behind that screen feels like someone lip reading the end to Lost in Translation.

3:50 am: They really should have paid to have David Attenborough narrate this. This isn’t so far removed from a nature documentary.

3:54 am: “Take this totally awesome sword but do boring shit with it. Amen.”

3:55 am: Wait, WTF? The Lord President of the Council (<–serious title) redeems this totally awesome sword for a pittance?

3:56 am: Bracelets of wisdom? Too bad that they set this tradition in stone before the Triforce was created.

3:58 am: that orb is still dumb as fuck. No wonder Final Fantasy switched to crystals.

4:00 am: OH MY GOD THEY’RE STILL GIFTING HIM SHIT. This one’s like a Royal Barbecue Mitt.

4:00 am: He was supposed to put the goddamn hat on at high noon. WHY IS IT NOT ON HIS HEAD


4:03 am: But really, don’t make me carry useless crap in both hands before you put the crown on my head. It’s a terrible look!

4:05 am: Selling the sword for 120 pence or whatever was the worst transaction out of an entire ceremony of bad transactions.

4:06 am: why are they still talking? This yellow carpet area behind Charles, unused, remains the Chekhov’s Gun of this coronation.

4:09 am: When I was a young, my parents took me to an evening play in Ashland based on Cyrano de Bergerac. I was too young to appreciate it, and it was too late in the day, so I eventually curled up in my seat and took a nap… immediately prior to a scene that involved copious canon fire. I wound up sobbing quietly, but the canon fire covered for me pretty well.

I miss Cyrano.

4:13 am: “May the King live forever” seems a bit… optimistic.

4:15 am: THERE’S A CORONATION OF THE QUEEN??????????? 😫

4:23 am: Image after image of attendees experiencing True Regret while the purple hats are put back into storage. Charles wore his crown for maybe 17 minutes.

4:25 am: what have i done to deserve this

4:26 am: i will only give thanks when this godforsaken service ends

4:28 am: it is a mystery why this coronation hasn’t cured my insomnia; it seems to have done so for at least half the attending audience

4:30 am: presentations given by people reading off of a page continue to be unimpressive

4:32 am: even the tall candles are leaving this scene

4:33 am: so this is what ultimate despair feels like

4:40 am: i’m crying

there’s no canon fire to cover for me this time

4:46 am: i’m going to go back in time and murder everyone who wrote all these goddamn hymns

how many more can there be?

don’t answer that

4:54 am: my hand-selected coronation musical selections would include ke$ha (timber) and fifth harmony (work from home). oh, and dragula ofc

4:55 am: everyone’s ready to leave. you can feel it in the air

the archbishop of canterbury needs to pee real bad, based on his swaying

4:57 am: bad news everyone, charles is still carrying his pondering orb

5:04 am: There’s something different… something EVEN MORE GOLDEN… about Charles’ new ride home. I thought the previous coach was gaudy, but this takes the cake.

5:06 am: These bells aren’t ringing all that harmoniously; they’re far less “joyous” sounding than I would have expected.

5:09 am: As they keep ringing, the bells sound more and more like the sound of madness.

5:11 am: The streets are still literally full of horse shit. It’s really something, given that this mile-long parade is just getting started.

5:19 am: I cringed when I saw people have to march directly through poo. Maybe it’s just a personal hang-up, but that’s really killing this parade for me.

5:31 am: This service was cut down by an hour and twenty minutes?! Frickin’ heck.

5:50 am: Now the various armed services are gathered on the palace grass. All they need is a boombox to hold over their collective head.

5:54 am: The boombox brought Charles out to the balcony; he listened to their three cheers for the king, and now Charles has retreated. …I think I should take a cue from Charles at this point.

5:56 am: It is so light outside my window. (oh no) I’m going to pay for this a thousand times over, aren’t I?

EPILOGUE: Now that I’ve had a few hours of sleep, what was up with the post-parade military cheer segment? You had some caller straight out of Ren & Stimpy (CHIN… STRAPS… OFF!!!!!!!!), and Charles looking listless during the entire proceeding. I probably looked the same; was it past his bedtime, too?

The opera house scene in Final Fantasy VI was a way more effective use of a balcony.

Final verdict? Adults LARPing in centuries-old regalia doesn’t really impress. British Halloween kinda sucks.

also wtf they had checkov’s swords everywhere and… absolutely nothing? no swashbuckling? no turkish revenge on the archbishop of canterbury for wasting everyone’s time? writing was a bit shit.


2 Responses to Live-blogging the royal coronation

  1. Barry says:

    Brent! Good to see you blogging again.

  2. Brent says:

    Oh, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Barry. I’m still *very* bad at this.


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